the show beat the Emmys in the ratings on Sunday. People preferred 60 Minutes
because it was less political. (laughter) A woman who thought
she adopted a kitten was shocked to find out
it was actually a bobcat. (growls)
Uh, mistakes happen. Comedy Central still hasn’t
realized I’m not Dana Carvey. -Um…
-(laughter) Let’s… Nobody likes a snitch. In an interview with
Entertainment Tonight, Tyler C. from The Bachelorette
said his relationship with Gigi Hadid
doesn’t need to be public. The best way to do that is an interview with
Entertainment Tonight. Really, shh. FITZSIMMONS: She should
probably come on this show if she wants to keep it quiet. (laughter) This already? Oh, really, watch this joke. Brad Pitt has opened up about the difficulties
of life after divorce. It turns out
he had to take swim classes to avoid drowning
in all that pussy. Yeah. Yeah, we’re back. Uh, Jurassic World 3
is bringing back Laura Dern Jeff Goldblum and Sam Neill, so that T. rex won’t be
the oldest one in… (laughs) Hollywood loves old people. That’s a fact. (applause and cheering) That one was a little mean. The fire department of New York
just announced that they have over 100 women in their fire department now,
which is great. But for safety reasons,
the men still drive the truck. -(audience reacts)
-Hey, relax. A chick wrote that one. One of our chick writers
wrote that. We don’t like driving. Were you offended by that,
Annie? I am.
I’m a great driver. I drive right into fires
all the time. You wouldn’t be good
at the fire– Oh, you would be, actually. Authorities seized $165 million
worth of cocaine found on a submarine
in the Pacific Ocean. Before you get caught,
that must be pretty awesome to have that much coke
and a submarine. Talk of the high school, man. I’d be like, gadoosh,
taking pictures all day. What’s up? Is that my sub? Paris Hilton says
that being an aunt has made her want
her own baby. So she’s gonna have to stop
swallowing the kids. -Yep. Yeah.
-(audience reacts) You saw the tape. Oh, yeah. I watched that thing
like the Zapruder film. All right, let’s talk
to these guys now. ♪ ♪ All right. (applause and cheering) Yes. David, she’s too rich
to swallow. She’s too rich to swallow,
is that it? Yeah. That’s a poor girl’s move. I didn’t know that.
That’s funny. Yeah, you’re hungry,
you’ve got to swallow it. ENGVALL: I’ve been dating
the wrong girls. All protein, low carbs.
Uh, keto. In annoying news, Beyoncé is trying to trademark
her daughter’s name, but a wedding planning business also called Blue Ivy
says that they own it. Beyoncé said she should win because her daughter’s
a cultural icon. -Barf.
-LEDERMAN: Oof. Yeah, I know, oof. Uh, any legal advice
in this room? I don’t think
they need legal advice. I think they need medical advice ’cause there’s
a meltdown coming. -SPADE: Oh, with the kids?
-LEDERMAN: Oh, yeah. -Big meltdown.
-SPADE: Oh, yeah. LEDERMAN: You can’t give her
that much power. Cultural icon? What did she do? -She was born.
-Yeah, I know. It is a big deal
to be born to them. She did come out
of her vagina, though. Some of her kids didn’t come out
of her vagina, right? Didn’t she have a surrogate
for some? Uh… let’s look at a clip. (laughter) No, I don’t know.
Are you still looking? Oh, I get it. I was looking
for the clip. I get it. -Well, my…
-I don’t know how you brand… I don’t know how you brand
your kids’ names. Uh, I was talking to my son,
Blue Balls, and my-my daughter, Brown Eyes. She sags her pants. And they were thinking, like,
you think Beyoncé’s got it bad. What about, uh…
What about Gwyneth Paltrow? -Her kid is Apple.
-ENGVALL: Apple. She’s got to go after Wozniak
and Jobs. -Oh, that’s right.
-Whole Foods. -Whole Foods.
-Yeah. -I feel…
-State of Washington. (laughter) My dad actually got sued
by a company because they had the same name
as my nickname as a kid. You Selfish (bleep),
I Wish You Were a Boy. -Bat mitzvahs.
-Oh, yeah. -So…
-This is… Listen, 20 years ago, I don’t think
you would have heard fights over trademark name of a baby. My kid works. I make her work.
She works. She’s 11. She works at the Nike factory
in Indonesia. And she makes eight cents a day,
and she puts it toward… But you’re teaching her
responsibility and how to… -Yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah. She flies over,
and she sends it over. Um, anyway,
one of our bonehead writers… This is great. Bobby Miyamoto,
he has a question for us. -Yes, Bobby?
-Hey, Dave, yesterday, I pitched an idea
you were hyped up about. I was hyped up
about one of your ideas? That doesn’t sound right. Uh, nobody knows
what you’re talking about ’cause it was
from yesterday’s show. I’m way ahead of you, Dave. ANNOUNCER:
Previously on Lights Out, stud writer Bobby Miyamoto had another game-changing idea. Dick in my hand. And I thought,
“That’s perfect for the show.” That’s our show. (laughter) Ridiculous. Well, so,
what’s your question? This Blue Ivy thing
got me thinking. We should trademark
“dick in my hand.” That way,
every time someone says it, we get a taste of the action. (laughter and cheering) Eh. Well, that’s enticing,
but I think I’m gonna pass. So, you can sue everyone I’ve
ever tried to get a job from. (laughter and applause) That’s my job. I’m like, “Yeah.” “That’s my job.” Yes, Bobby? What if I just get the domain?
It’s only 12 bucks. Sure, we… Sure, do that. Hey, Dave,
can I borrow 12 bucks? SPADE:
-FITZSIMMONS: Did Bobby get a pocket of coke
off that submarine? (laughter) All right, thank you, Bobby.
See you later. (cheering and applause)