Guys, did you see
The Bachelorette last night? Oh, my God.
She picked Jed over Tyler. But, you know what,
it gives hope for any douche with a guitar. (chuckles):
What? (knocking) No. -Well…
-(door closes) You didn’t even… (playing guitar poorly) Starts now! (spluttering) -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) ♪ You’re amazing ♪ ♪ You’re still fat. ♪ ANNOUNCER:
And now… David Spade! -♪ ♪
-(cheering) Hello, Kaley! Jim. Hey! All right! Hey, guys! Yeah! All right. Thank you. All right. You guys… great job so far. All right, let’s get started. Selena Gomez reportedly
hasn’t spoken to her BFF who donated her kidney
to her nine months ago. When her friend tried
to contact her, she replied, “New kidney. Who dis?” (Cuoco laughing) Machine Gun Kelly says
he’s boycotting Swedish Fish until A$AP Rocky is freed. In response, Swedish Fish said, “You know, we’re a candy. We
can’t help your friend at all. “But cool. “We’re just happy
to be mentioned in a joke. “We got a new PR person. I guess it’s working.” The scientists over at Hershey
just announced that pumpkin pie Kit Kats
are here, just in time for fall. Hey, scientists,
you know what else is here? Cancer. Why don’t you throw that
under the microscope, instead of
the new Skittle flavors? In New York, a cab driver
coached a woman through birth, and she didn’t even give him
a tip. She argued that a tip
is what got her pregnant in the first place. A new survey says that 25% of
delivery drivers eat your food. Weird, I thought
millennials were only into eating (bleep) now. Is that… -(laughter, groaning)
-By the way… I’ve heard that. It’s… sweeping the nation. I mean, that… A new study shows that
employees most likely to get a big pay raise are younger
and work in management. Or named Kaley Cuoco. (laughter, gasping) That’s a compliment. You can go back to che… (laughing) -You can keep checking your
Instagram. It’s fine. -Yeah. Well, you’re blocked, so… A Northern California pharmacist
is under investigation for handing out over 750,000
fake prescriptions. Authorities say his behavior
was criminal, negligent, and why can’t I find a guy
like this? My guy’s always so snug
with the cough syrup. I’m like, “Don’t blame me ’cause
Lil Wayne can’t handle it. You know?” What do you think’s in this cup? What’s up? Get a buzz… Um, in a new interview, Kristen Stewart says
she can hear ghosts. No one has the heart to tell her
those aren’t ghosts– they’re just people who saw her
last three movies going, “Boo!” (laughs) That’s not bad. All right, let’s meet the panel. Jim Jefferies, there’s Kaley Cuoco, Steve Byrne. -(cheering and applause)
-Steve. Jim. -Hi, buddy!
-Is it “Coo-co”? “Cu-o-co”? “Cock-a-doodle”? Oh! Fun. -Hey!
-You know, Kaley and I worked on a show
a long time ago. -Remember that? -We did.
We go a long– a long way back. There’s a big story about it
in Who Cares? magazine. Um… Nobody cares. They don’t care. You’ve used that joke
for so many years. It’s back! JEFFERIES:
And still no one cares. -Exactly.
-So it still– it still works. They care
about the Who Cares? joke now. All right, yesterday– this is real controversial– I started out on a topic
about Uber drivers, and then it really crushed
the Internet, because, uh, we ran out of time
so I had to jump out of it. So people asking, “What the hell
happened to the Uber drivers?” It wasn’t that exciting. It was just Uber is laying off
400 employees. And it was sad.
Uh, it was so sad. Employees were told to go
pack up their free Chiclets out of their cars and go home. It was that… Jim, do they have Uber
in Australia? -We do have Uber in Australia.
It works the same. -Okay. -Mm-hmm.
-The app’s upside down. -(chuckles): Okay. -Um,
but I-I heard it was, like– I heard it was, like,
400 marketing people. -Oh, is that it?
-Yeah, out of the twelve– They have 1,200 marketing people
at Uber, and 400 of them got kicked– -How does Uber need marketing?
-Yeah, I was wondering. You know what it is?
It’s like when you see a Coca-Cola billboard. You’re
like, “What’s that new drink?” Like-like,
Uber having marketing, -I could market for Uber.
-CUOCO: Right. It’s just like,
“Have you got too many DUIs? -Uber.” Like, is there…
-Yeah. -(cheering and applause)
-Yeah. That’s right. I just wonder, you know,
all these marketing people got laid off– what are
they gonna do in between jobs? -I guess drive for Uber.
-Oh, wow. Uh, I would get in an Uber,
but I sit in the front, ’cause I have a bad neck. -It’s a phony thing
to get attention. -Mm-mm. You’re risking getting
a low rating. That’s why I don’t like taking
Uber. I get so– -I don’t want to be judged. -Oh,
yeah, ’cause they judge you. Yes!
Well, we can judge them, too, but I don’t– I don’t want
to get judged by my driver. -I get that day to day. -Did you
ever see your rating go down and then you think,
“What did I do? -Yes! -“I-I was pleasant.
I talked to him. -Terrible. I heard about his problems
with his home country.” Yes. Exactly! -That’s funny.
-(applause) It’s getting bad.
Some of these Uber drivers are gonna go back to their home
and be doctors again.