Demi Moore has revealed
in her new memoir that she took
Jon Cryer’s virginity, but according to him, he had
already lost it in high school. Dude, I would take the win
on this one. -FITZSIMMONS: Oh, yeah.
-LEDERMAN: Yeah. -Yeah, right.
-If she ever said that about me, I’d be out there
on Hollywood Boulevard -with a big poster that said,
“Yeah. Yeah.” -Sandwich board. -“I tapped it.”
-FITZSIMMONS: Yeah, -you’d be writing the memoir.
-Yeah. She… Yeah, it’s funny,
’cause he said that… As, like, a comeback, he said
that he was so bad in bed that she probably thought
it was his first time, so… I guess it’s more like
Two and a Half Minutes, huh? -(laughter)
-FITZSIMMONS: There you go. Good night. Lights Out. -SPADE: Lights Out.
-You know what, David, this reminds me
of that kid in junior high that was getting laid
by his teacher but couldn’t keep
his month shut. -SPADE: Oh, yeah, that’s right.
-It’s like, dude, you ruined it -for everybody. I mean…
-Right. I lost my virginity
to Demi Moore. Uh, no, I’m sorry,
Michael Moore. -And, uh, I did it for
a Democratic fund-raiser. -Yeah. Did he have all that Ducky heat
from Pretty in Pink? -Is that what it was?
I mean, my God. -Yeah, yeah. -Right. -Where was… -Yeah,
he was pretty in someone’s pink. -Um…
-I’m sorry? -I don’t understand.
-It’s a vagina joke. I just feel like who cares
about losing your virginity? It’s not– I lost my virginity
on a water bed in Northeast Philadelphia.
It’s like you got to let it go, -you know? DMX was playing.
-Yeah. -Guess what, -we’re gonna look at a clip
right now. -Oh, yeah. -Um… All right.
-It’s a little shaky. -Snapchat– we’re moving on–
Snapchat -We’re moving on. is releasing a new docu-series
about the Tekashi– please say this right–
69 trial. -Okay. In case you’re behind,
-LEDERMAN: Ew. he’s snitching
to stay out of jail. There’s a chance
he might even end up in the Witness
Protection Program. I’d love this guy
to be my milkman one day. -(groans)
-Hey, you look familiar. LEDERMAN: Can he put his pubes
away? Jesus. -SPADE: Pube it down a notch.
-That’s disgusting. I mean, how do you– Like,
you know when people go on trial and they try to dress ’em up
and look– This guy walks in,
every jury goes, “Guilty.” Yeah, I know. For sure. I love that he-he snitched
on all these people, and then he’s gonna do
a Snapchat– It’s like don’t put
your location on, dude. A lot like– a lot like
the pictures on Snapchat, uh, this guy’s gonna disappear
in 24 hours, -if you know what I mean.
-And you know Tommy Hilfiger -is just digging the plug.
-Yeah. Oh, yeah. -Yeah, yeah. No, I, uh… I can tell you, you-you snitch,
you snitch on the Bloods… I mean, I-I was a Crip
for a number of years, and I f… You got out? I-I flipped on ’em because the po-po had me
for slapping down this bitch. And… all I can say is, like, -shout-out to the 213.
-Yeah. Don’t give–
don’t give the real one. Uh, Hollywood is gonna make
a story about this, of course, because snitches get pitches. -You know that. You know that.
-Snitches get pitches. Or, -or, if you snitch, you end up
on Twitch. -You know that. It’s another platform. Well, the platform, which means
that you’re gonna watch this reality show on your–
That’s what I need. I’m standing in line
at Walgreens, and the N-word
is streaming out of my phone. Usually that only happens
when I’m on, uh, Skype with my mom. Hey, great news for gals today. A company released CBD tampons. -Oh. -Uh, ’cause that’s
what you want in a vagina, a relaxed fit. Um… Finally, women get to look
forward to their periods, Annie. (chuckles)
I always look forward to mine. It’s a time to grow, you know? Now, I always said that
CBD was weed for pussies, so… -That’s good.
-Ow. That’s good. Hey, you know,
I think anything we can do to help women at this time: soak that thing in vodka,
heroin. And if it’s made of pot,
when she’s done, you smoke it like a cigar.
Celebrate. Oh, baby. CBD is like J.Lo– it’s in everything
but we don’t know what it does. -Uh…
-You don’t– You need those muscles. Uh, all right. Married couple
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas said they
would love to star in a remake -of the 189– 1989 movie
War of the Roses. -Mm. -Now, is this a good idea?
-No. Didn’t they– Did–
Hey, didn’t he die in the movie? The original movie.
In the original, -he fell off a chandelier.
-All she’s got to do is tip over the wheelchair. Right. And there was– and there’s
a sex scene in the movie. I don’t want to see
this sex scene. Their combined ages
is 125 years. -Ooh. -If I see a sex scene,
it should be 36 years. -Combined?
-Split it up however you want. -However you want.
-Yikes. I want to see–
I don’t want to see a movie about them getting divorced,
but I want to see a movie about the time he told the press
that he got throat cancer -from eating out her HPV vagina.
-(groaning) You guys, I–
Honestly, I went to the bathroom at their house once,
and I was like, “Holy shit. “Is my vagina about
to get throat cancer? What’s going on
in this marriage?” If they do this movie, it’ll be
worse than Caddyshack II. -Oh, wow.
-And that was awful. Yeah. Kathleen Turner’s over
there with her dick in her hand, because she doesn’t–
They’re gonna skip her? -Yeah. -You know what I mean?
Because… -Bring her back. Listen, she’s like, “Hey,
I wasn’t in the In Memoriam at the Emmys. I’m still around.” -I’m, like…
-You know what I mean? Like, “Hire me.”
Hollywood. I’m, like, five years away from being Kathleen Turner,
so, my neck like… -Oh, your voice?
-Yeah. I’m starting to think Hollywood
has a problem with older women. -I’m starting… -I don’t
think so. They gave you a job. -Boom!