Tekashi 69’s Look Doesn’t Scream “Courtroom Ready” – Lights Out with David Spade

Tekashi 69’s Look Doesn’t Scream “Courtroom Ready” – Lights Out with David Spade

Demi Moore has revealed
in her new memoir that she took
Jon Cryer’s virginity, but according to him, he had
already lost it in high school. Dude, I would take the win
on this one. -FITZSIMMONS: Oh, yeah.
-LEDERMAN: Yeah. -Yeah, right.
-If she ever said that about me, I’d be out there
on Hollywood Boulevard -with a big poster that said,
“Yeah. Yeah.” -Sandwich board. -“I tapped it.”
-FITZSIMMONS: Yeah, -you’d be writing the memoir.
-Yeah. She… Yeah, it’s funny,
’cause he said that… As, like, a comeback, he said
that he was so bad in bed that she probably thought
it was his first time, so… I guess it’s more like
Two and a Half Minutes, huh? -(laughter)
-FITZSIMMONS: There you go. Good night. Lights Out. -SPADE: Lights Out.
-You know what, David, this reminds me
of that kid in junior high that was getting laid
by his teacher but couldn’t keep
his month shut. -SPADE: Oh, yeah, that’s right.
-It’s like, dude, you ruined it -for everybody. I mean…
-Right. I lost my virginity
to Demi Moore. Uh, no, I’m sorry,
Michael Moore. -And, uh, I did it for
a Democratic fund-raiser. -Yeah. Did he have all that Ducky heat
from Pretty in Pink? -Is that what it was?
I mean, my God. -Yeah, yeah. -Right. -Where was… -Yeah,
he was pretty in someone’s pink. -Um…
-I’m sorry? -I don’t understand.
-It’s a vagina joke. I just feel like who cares
about losing your virginity? It’s not– I lost my virginity
on a water bed in Northeast Philadelphia.
It’s like you got to let it go, -you know? DMX was playing.
-Yeah. -Guess what, -we’re gonna look at a clip
right now. -Oh, yeah. -Um… All right.
-It’s a little shaky. -Snapchat– we’re moving on–
Snapchat -We’re moving on. is releasing a new docu-series
about the Tekashi– please say this right–
69 trial. -Okay. In case you’re behind,
-LEDERMAN: Ew. he’s snitching
to stay out of jail. There’s a chance
he might even end up in the Witness
Protection Program. I’d love this guy
to be my milkman one day. -(groans)
-Hey, you look familiar. LEDERMAN: Can he put his pubes
away? Jesus. -SPADE: Pube it down a notch.
-That’s disgusting. I mean, how do you– Like,
you know when people go on trial and they try to dress ’em up
and look– This guy walks in,
every jury goes, “Guilty.” Yeah, I know. For sure. I love that he-he snitched
on all these people, and then he’s gonna do
a Snapchat– It’s like don’t put
your location on, dude. A lot like– a lot like
the pictures on Snapchat, uh, this guy’s gonna disappear
in 24 hours, -if you know what I mean.
-And you know Tommy Hilfiger -is just digging the plug.
-Yeah. Oh, yeah. -Yeah, yeah. No, I, uh… I can tell you, you-you snitch,
you snitch on the Bloods… I mean, I-I was a Crip
for a number of years, and I f… You got out? I-I flipped on ’em because the po-po had me
for slapping down this bitch. And… all I can say is, like, -shout-out to the 213.
-Yeah. Don’t give–
don’t give the real one. Uh, Hollywood is gonna make
a story about this, of course, because snitches get pitches. -You know that. You know that.
-Snitches get pitches. Or, -or, if you snitch, you end up
on Twitch. -You know that. It’s another platform. Well, the platform, which means
that you’re gonna watch this reality show on your–
That’s what I need. I’m standing in line
at Walgreens, and the N-word
is streaming out of my phone. Usually that only happens
when I’m on, uh, Skype with my mom. Hey, great news for gals today. A company released CBD tampons. -Oh. -Uh, ’cause that’s
what you want in a vagina, a relaxed fit. Um… Finally, women get to look
forward to their periods, Annie. (chuckles)
I always look forward to mine. It’s a time to grow, you know? Now, I always said that
CBD was weed for pussies, so… -That’s good.
-Ow. That’s good. Hey, you know,
I think anything we can do to help women at this time: soak that thing in vodka,
heroin. And if it’s made of pot,
when she’s done, you smoke it like a cigar.
Celebrate. Oh, baby. CBD is like J.Lo– it’s in everything
but we don’t know what it does. -Uh…
-You don’t– You need those muscles. Uh, all right. Married couple
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas said they
would love to star in a remake -of the 189– 1989 movie
War of the Roses. -Mm. -Now, is this a good idea?
-No. Didn’t they– Did–
Hey, didn’t he die in the movie? The original movie.
In the original, -he fell off a chandelier.
-All she’s got to do is tip over the wheelchair. Right. And there was– and there’s
a sex scene in the movie. I don’t want to see
this sex scene. Their combined ages
is 125 years. -Ooh. -If I see a sex scene,
it should be 36 years. -Combined?
-Split it up however you want. -However you want.
-Yikes. I want to see–
I don’t want to see a movie about them getting divorced,
but I want to see a movie about the time he told the press
that he got throat cancer -from eating out her HPV vagina.
-(groaning) You guys, I–
Honestly, I went to the bathroom at their house once,
and I was like, “Holy shit. “Is my vagina about
to get throat cancer? What’s going on
in this marriage?” If they do this movie, it’ll be
worse than Caddyshack II. -Oh, wow.
-And that was awful. Yeah. Kathleen Turner’s over
there with her dick in her hand, because she doesn’t–
They’re gonna skip her? -Yeah. -You know what I mean?
Because… -Bring her back. Listen, she’s like, “Hey,
I wasn’t in the In Memoriam at the Emmys. I’m still around.” -I’m, like…
-You know what I mean? Like, “Hire me.”
Hollywood. I’m, like, five years away from being Kathleen Turner,
so, my neck like… -Oh, your voice?
-Yeah. I’m starting to think Hollywood
has a problem with older women. -I’m starting… -I don’t
think so. They gave you a job. -Boom!

100 thoughts on “Tekashi 69’s Look Doesn’t Scream “Courtroom Ready” – Lights Out with David Spade

  1. Annie brings the show to a hault every time and has to redirect to her shitty bits.4:24 "GUYS!" says the dumb cunt loud enough to redirect attention like she's hosting for the fifth time this clip. This dumb bitch sucks, glad all her jokes bombed

  2. You know that drunk girl at a party who thinks she's funny and constantly interjecting with her not funny comments. But you still want to bang her so you do the short fake laugh and smile.

  3. Hi I’ve made a decision and I’d like to change my late night ratings:
    1.) Conan (as per usual)
    2.) David Spade
    3.) Corden
    4.) Jimmy Fallon
    Last place: so far it’s an eternal grunge match between Colbert, Samantha B, new comer but ever annoying Lily Singh, and so far reigning champion of unwatchable late night ,Kimmel.
    (Last Week Tonight is great and all but stop calling it a talk show, it’s just super pointed news)

  4. Clips are for trolls trying to make money off someone else's show. don't be your own troll. give us a whole episode so we don't have to watch 20 commercials for 10 minutes of content. you're better than this David, much better.

  5. So, this rapper trainwreck is going into the witness protection program? What, he's going to relocate to a small Midwestern town where everyone has a giant number tattoo'd on their face? Something tells me that anyone with a second grade math education will be able to find this maroon. Yeahh cuz, I think I find him, but it turn out, dis boy got a "96" on his face. So, we keep lookin.

  6. "Split (the ages) however you want" 19/17? 20/16? 21/15? 22/14!? And all the pedo's laugh with delight at what the pedo-defenders will want to claim was "just a joke." Yeah, that's hilarious Hollywood. Your prescription's are here.

  7. Holy shit that's Bill Engvall haven't seen that guy in years. Everyone kind of blew up after the Blue Collar comedy thing, except Engvall. Ron White will always be my favorite of the bunch, but Engvall's a funny dude wish I'd see his stuff more. Great comic.

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