Virgin Voyages has launched
a hard-partying adults-only cruise liner
where kids are not allowed. Passengers have access
to onboard tattoo parlor, karaoke room, app that gives them champagne
all night. Uh, hopefully, they have access
to condoms and penicillin. (laughter) They want me to say, “Brad, you look like a monster
who lives in the ocean.” What do you think?
I’m not saying it. I’m not gonna say it. No, you don’t. You’re tan, you look good. -Because of his tan.
-Yeah, you look good. -That’s why.
-The tan… -You’re tan
like an ocean monster. -Yeah. A tan fixes everything. So this… this… Brad? I’m here. I’m taking it all in. SPADE:
Okay. It’s nice. They have Plan B on your pillow,
like a mint when you go to bed. A virgin cruise. When I heard, “Virgin cruise,” I was like,
“A cruise for virgins.” -KILLAM: Right.
-They’re all, um… -KILLAM: Now by the end of it…
-And they may very well be. -Yeah.
-They found each other. -Or you get virgins.
-KILLAM: Oh, nice. -So… it’s an Epstein…
-SPADE: Oh, that would be a… -a higher… higher priced…
-Have you ever been on a cruise? -Epstein.
-Cruise lines. Epstein Cruise Lines. So criminal,
you’ll kill yourself. That’s a new GoFundMe. -Go ahead, Brad.
-Have you ever been on a cruise? Well, you probably
have your own yacht. You got a big yacht? You seem like a… Sometimes
they let you steer, right? -They hold you up?
-I go on Sandler’s. But… I’ve only been
on a couple cruises. I don’t think
you need champagne. I think you should…
the thing is, is you shake your phone
and they bring champagne? -Is that…?
-Yeah, the app, yeah. Yeah. I’ll tell you
what you really need. Uh, you should be able
to shake your phone, and they should deliver
a bottle of imodium. -(laughter)
-Because, um… I’ve been on these cruises, and-and the dumper’s
gonna take a punch. And I’m saying this… I would
never say anything up front, but you’re gonna… you’re
gonna shit like a wounded goose -(laughter)
-for about… for about five days. -Yeah?
-For about five days. Not you,
’cause I know things just go. You-you probably hold on
to your stuff for the winter. -Yeah.
-Right? Poop on weekends. -Um…
-(laughter) they also said
they have lawyers on board in case your wife
accidentally falls over. Because a lot of guys go,
“Hey, Captain, “sharp left turn
at three o’clock. Honey. Sploosh.” You killing your wife,
that’s hilarious. Anyway… I know, it’s funny. -Um…
-It’s fun. It could be husband.
It could be husband. -We had a big debate
over that. Uh… -(laughter) A new study
probably written by a comedian shows that farmers have
the most sex of any profession. -(laughter) -Well, sure,
the cows aren’t that fast. -(laughter)
-That’s right. Uh… boy. I’m grateful for milk
and eggs and corn. I could not do that on my own. SPADE:
Got to keep ’em happy. The study found, uh–
of course, over in the UK, -I don’t know why…
-Is this really a farmer? -(laughter)
-It’s a hipster. Come on, it… it looks like…
it looks like August -in the gay calendar.
-(laughter) -SPADE: In the gay calendar?
-Come on… Okay, there’s just corn
everywhere! It’s as tall
as an elephant’s eye! (laughter) You don’t get letters,
do you, Davey? -No.
-(laughter) 67% of the farmers claim
to be incredible in the bedroom, followed by doctors and lawyers. -So they’re…
-So they study themselves? -Yeah, they’re saying…
-They study themselves, they’re like,
“I’m great in bed.” It’s a loose study
where they claim– if they’re claiming,
I would say… I-I would just say, “I’m good.”
I don’t know why… I don’t know why doctors
and lawyers are lowballing it. (laughter) That is… I think you gotta… You’ll… you’ll have
a writers meeting after? -Yeah, right after.
-(laughter) These are…
these are just off the top. Yeah. -Go ahead, you have a…
-Well, no, I don’t, uh… You know, being a…
being a Jew, I haven’t been on many farms. (laughter) -SPADE: Okay.
-I was on a fat farm, and… -Does rehab count?
-(laughter) Well, we were on all fours. People were feeding us kibble,
that’s all I remember. We’re gonna… we’re gonna move
over to some inspirational news. Uh, an Instagram model
in Bucharest says she makes
one and a half million a year by posting pictures
of her huge, fake butt. This is who I always wind up
sitting next to in coach. -It’s, like…
-(laughter) Like, is that butt carry-on?
Can you throw it up there? Oh, you’ve never been in coach
in your life. (laughter) God, I’ve been in… I used
to take Southwest all the time. -Is that right?
-Yean. No. -(laughter)
-No, I did. I’m from Arizona. I take it all the time, and… And Southwest is the only one
that’ll go there? -(laughter)
-Southwest is… it’s always full,
like, when you get on. First of all, they go,
“Take a middle seat,” you know. “Quit looking for an aisle. We’re the only
all-middle-seat airline.” (laughter) Like, “You paid $89. “What do you want,
(bleep) miracles? You knew what you
were getting yourself into.” I do love the functionality
of a butt like that, ’cause if you have that butt,
you never have to be afraid that you’re gonna sit
in front of me at a theater, because I’ll always be able
to see right over you. I paid good money
for these seats. -(laughter)
-He’s from Bucharest. I’ve been–
it’s down by Alhambra, I think. -(laughter)
-By the airport. That whole area’s nice.