It’s the holidays, guys. A lot of people
have to pick up second jobs. I have a show on basic cable, so I decided
I should probably sniff around in getting myself a second one. Uh, I did some research online. I stumbled across
an exciting opportunity to be Christmas bell ringer
for the Salvation Army. So, I’d like to lose… I’d like to use the last minute
of the show to apply. Okay. Slows it down.
A little WD-40 in it. (imitates spraying)
All right. Here’s why I think
I’d make a good Santa. I’m willing to gain weight
and keep not being Jewish. That’s one. One of my skills
is giving people my money. Uh, I feed a lot
of starving children and give lots of money
to my family tree. Since 23andMe, there’s a lot more checks
going out, I’ll tell you that. “I’m your relative.
Can you pay off my house?” Oh. That’s over Facebook
they say that. Um, Christmas
is kind of my thing because I get mistaken
for elves a lot. Even during the summer.
It’s bad. So, being promoted to Santa
would be an upgrade. However,
if I accept this position, I do have a few ground rules. First of all,
what’s my take off the top? You know what I mean?
Like, what’s the skim? You know what I mean? I’m
assuming it’s a standard 50%. I’m not really a bell guy, so I’d bring a triangle. I, uh… Check SoundCloud for my mixtape. It’s very catchy. (imitating “Carol of the Bells”
played on the triangle) (laughter) I can wail on it.
Don’t worry about that. It’s tough on the scapula. It will attract a lot
of customers. FYI, I don’t do weekends
’cause of my… I have carpal tunnel.
It flares up, you know. I’ll need a masseuse nearby.
You know, the lay down kind on a little chair,
like in the airport. Keep my jingle arm
loosey-goosey. Not trying to bust
a rotator cuff during my “Free Bird” solo. (laughter) And I’m not really keen
on the whole bucket thing. It’s heavy. It’s not sexy. I was thinking it should be
more of a Venmo sitch. You know what I mean? (buzzing)
People walk up. You know when you’re at dinner,
you’re like, “Hey. I had one of your pickles.
There’s a nickel.” (buzzes) Um, anyway… (laughs)
Think it over. I’m gonna go see how much
a good reindeer costs on Amazon Prime. I’ll be back.